Our happiness comes from our connections — so here I am asking you to question yourself. Are you spending time with people that make you shine? Are you inspired by the people you spend time with? Are you making memories or sacrifices? In 20 years time will you show your child or grandchild a photo of you and be able to tell them you are proud of that person in the photo?
Have you ever tried a new approach to understand why your connection with someone is failing? Maybe you are trying to connect with your partner but the frustration gets too much to resolve the issue? Maybe you are confused by a friend's decisions and struggling to have understanding? Maybe your boss can't see your point of view and you want to give up? The list of maybes could go on — but my point is, if you aren't getting anywhere with the connection you want, this is where my 3 C motto is a connection key you will want to use.
First make sure you are honest with yourself if you want this connection — the three C motto will not work if the connection should no longer exist.
Our happiness comes from all of our connections — employee, employer, parent, child, sibling, partner, friend. The connection between you and all of the above comes down to the 3 fundamental C's:
Communication
Compassion
Compromise
If you are questioning why you keep arguing, falling out, having conflicting conversations, feeling like you are two batteries repelling against each other — I can guarantee this is happening because one of these things is lacking. You can't expect these three things from anyone if you are not doing them yourself. It is down to you to be honest with yourself and then with the person to nurture that relationship and allow it to evolve. You will either come out stronger or you will learn who you want to be connected to.
What's a friend?
Someone you can relate to, rely on, who celebrates you, who cheers you on from the front line or side line, will be honest and want the best for you, who will be there in the highest moments of joy and the deepest time of darkness. A friend will choose you as much as you choose them. If there are other questions playing in your mind then your questions are answered — we have to allow ourselves to let go of those connections.
To help yourself let go of a connection you can start by asking: should you end a friendship, or can you let the friendship slip away?
When we evolve into a new period of life our wants and needs change too. As we grow into our new skin we must shed the old. The connections that are evolving with you will often stay with you — but the ones that are not growing into their new skin will not be able to be part of this next period of life. That does not mean either have done anything to hurt each other. It just means this current phase of shedding is helping you let go of old to bring in the new, allowing you to grow.
However, when feelings of anxiety, confusion, and depression are heightened, this is most likely because you have experienced trauma through that connection. The trauma can often be unclear as it can be disguised as love.
A few things to look out for
- Is the friend celebrating your success and wins?
- Is the friend curious to know more about your life?
- Is the friend understanding of your choices — if not, are they clear and honest about the reasons why?
- Does your friend challenge and encourage you to be your greatest self?
- Would you trust your friend in any room, with anyone, to stand up for you?
If multiple of these questions don't follow with a positive answer, this is more likely to be an unhealthy relationship that needs to end. The reason you have to end the unhealthy connections is because if you don't let go, the trauma will stay within you.
Trauma is stored as energy within us and we only have two choices:
- Hold onto it, causing pain, anxiety and depression
- Let it go — by making changes, disconnecting, setting boundaries, meditating to allow time to process the energy held in our bodies
The four friendships that enrich your life
THE CHEERLEADER — The person in your life who thinks you are amazing. They cheer you on and believe in everything you do.
THE PUSHER — Someone who pushes you to be the best you can be. They make you question life, your choices and your direction.
THE LOYAL COMPANION — The person who loves you and will always be there to hear what's on your mind — the good, bad and ugly. Having someone you can talk with who won't judge or share your conversation is a must.
THE ENERGISER — Those people who have an infectious zest for life. Not only are they optimistic but they encourage you to dream big. They leave you laughing, inspired and filled with amazing positive energy.
If you have someone that gives you it all, hold them tight and share your gratitude — these are rare souls.
Life partners
These relationships are tough. You are going to experience new chapters of life together, no longer being alone in your own thoughts and decisions. You are not only choosing to share love, support and protection — you are also choosing to share emotions, feelings and trauma. Like a dance, it requires a lead and follower. If one doesn't want to join the dance, the music stops.
Without having the security that your partner is your cheerleader, pusher, loyal companion and energiser, the energy in the relationship will start to fade. This usually comes when one is half there — a part of your thinking and focus is still at work, with the kids, on your phone. You have to have moments in time where all of your focus is on that connection, giving and taking energy as much from one side as the other — otherwise that energy within you will break down, burn out and leave you feeling alone.
To prevent this, allow your partner in to see your vulnerabilities. Your relationship will challenge all of your vulnerabilities — but it should challenge you. If you resist the challenges you are faced with, you become complacent, suppressed, depressed.
When your vulnerabilities are shown, how your partner supports you will tell you everything you need to know. The darkness is not always sad — being shown the darkness shows you it is time to make change, showing you the path to find your own shine. If you have children, this reflects on them. Children are like sponges and will learn more from your actions and what they see than anything else.
Gratitude and judgement
When we don't have gratitude, we have judgement.
Allow yourself to sit and listen to that judgement you are making. Do you know what you are thinking is true? If not, give yourself time to understand where the assumptions and judgements are coming from. Without communication of truths, judgement often comes from assumptions — which is where the truth often becomes morphed because of the lack of effective communication.
Due to the lack of connection we have in our society, we are at a point where we are the most disconnected — with not only others but also ourselves. If you feel anxious, if you have money worries, if you feel alone — the only way to stop these feelings is to communicate to make change.
Three steps to deeper connection
Questioning — What does not communicating my feelings achieve? What makes this change important to you? What are the effects of keeping stress to yourself?
Adapting — From the questioning we will reframe our mind, allowing you to process the thought of sharing your feelings to then make change.
Evolving — Sharing will allow you to evolve, preserving your health. The more you are vulnerable, the more you can share, the more you will get out of life.
Are you a people pleaser?
Often people pleasers struggle to embrace acceptance and validation from others, preventing them from being vulnerable. Here is some food for thought:
Self-Acceptance — Recognise your own worth and acknowledge that your needs and desires matter just as much as anyone else's. Embrace your strengths and imperfections while showing yourself compassion.
Set Boundaries — Learn to say "no" when necessary and understand that it is okay to prioritise your own needs and well-being. Setting boundaries is not selfish — it is an act of self-respect.
Seek Support — Connecting with others who can guide and support you can be highly beneficial. Speaking with a professional or joining a support group will help validate your feelings.
Identify the Root Causes — Reflecting on the reasons behind your tendencies can help you gain a deeper understanding of yourself. Recognising underlying fears or insecurities, and identifying these, can help you work through them and develop healthier beliefs and behaviour patterns.
Practice Assertiveness — Learning to express your thoughts, feelings and needs is a crucial skill for people pleasers. Assertiveness can help you find a balance between pleasing others and honouring your own values.
Celebrate Progress — Recognise and celebrate your achievements. Changing deeply ingrained patterns takes time and effort. Be patient and kind to yourself.
95% of our decisions are made from our feelings. Pushing into our uncomfortable zone to make empowering change is what will give you the most joy — that's the 5% of decisions that lead you to 95% of choices that feel good.